Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
