I feel like I'm in dance class right now
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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