he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
