Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
