if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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