he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
