You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
