my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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