worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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