there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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