I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
if only i could text you this smell
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
