A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
