Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
