News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
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