i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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