I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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