Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
