Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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