Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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