I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
