I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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