my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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