Only a mothe r could love this liver
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
