I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
