I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
