I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
