well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
