dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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