remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
