Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
