Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
my liver is dry heaving
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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