I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
