plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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