If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
