is your mom at the bar?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
