my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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