please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
