I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
God, I missed his penis.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
