Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
