Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
