my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
