im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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