my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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