I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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