I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
