I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
