I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
