Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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