1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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