You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
